god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
