rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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