I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
