Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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