I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
