If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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