My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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