I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize