That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I wish there were birth control emojis
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
