she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
