ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
