I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
