grandma shit on top of the toilet
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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