When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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