Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
