i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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