I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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