FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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