we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Help. Why am I so naked?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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