Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She bit a glass in half.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
