I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Randomize
