Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
