I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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