my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
