i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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