i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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