Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
