he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
