Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
