I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize