What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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