dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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