what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize