just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
