I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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