i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
