Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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