Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize