I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize