I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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