Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
