you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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