By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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