I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize