Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
and you fell through a lawn chair
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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