you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
