i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
did i just pee glitter
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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