No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
