I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
