I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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