My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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