one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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