then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
