then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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