Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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