also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
